TRUST

Watch me open my limbs

Slowly move my fingers

Spread my hands apart

Watch me slowly move my lips

Watch my eye lids flutter

I were asleep

I were hidden

Under layers and layers of silk

A sudden ray of light

In a thick foggy morning

Vapors of Unholy rising around

You discovered me

You have watched me open my limbs

You have watched my body slowly opening to you

You have watched with wonder-struck eyes

Gulping every movement of my fragile being

You have marveled at who I am

 You have smiled as you watched me grow

I have opened my eyes to you

I have seen your eyes

The gentle flickers in your wonder-stuck mirrors

I closed my eyes again, so content that I had been found

I lay there, blood running fast in my spirited veins

My body bent with the shivers of excitement

Of being watched

Of being marveled

My cheeks turned red in response

Blushing, like wine sparkling in your glass

My heart full of trust

My skin felt warmer with every passing minute

Heating up fast

Tremors of heat balling up

I opened my eyes to you

To feel again the warmth of your eyes

And then I saw…

The blood devilish red in your eyes

The fire of darkest forest in them

Burning like lava

Burning my skin, melting my fragile being

My eyes wide in horror

My delicate lips crumpled up in shiver

Your touch running through me

Tremors of distrust making waves in my heart

My first baby steps...

A girl like me and a place like Kolkata…I am wondering what the combination is going to be like. I have always been known as the shy little girl, someone who won’t talk to people, be afraid of the lime-light, people noticing her. Her place was just outside the limelight, where the light still reached, but not with that intensity.

I have hardly ever visited places. I love the confines of my home. No matter where I go, I cringe for the warmth of my bed, the smell of my books and the familiar coziness of my pillow. I am immensely attached to the faded-green walls unpainted for years that make my home, the TV set, my computer. Family, yeah well, I am close to my mom. And over the years, I have grown fond of my brother, the little maestro that he is. All these years that I have been home, I wasn’t aware of this connection that I share with him. Now when I have been going places for my college education, I notice I very much wish to hear his voice over the phone.

Back to who I am…I have always been this girl with a simple lifestyle…that is to say, no gizmos, no wild dressing-up phase, no hanging out with friends. I am terribly shy of boys, and even girls my age…but once I get used to them, I can be very frank and close. I always have an initial hiccup, the first-time-feeling to everything. I am not the one who comes and makes an impression on the very first meet. I need time. My influence grows over days…and by the end, I can be a very remarkable person. But the first time thing…that is like some rope around my neck.

Kolkata is very different place from my hometown. In the few years I have been here, I have not even been able to explore my own home-town except some familiar roads and neighborhoods. I am always in the confines of my own home. And for someone like me Kolkata is going to be a like some ocean – a sea of people and unfamiliar places. A culture that I do not belong to, a teenage life that I am not a part of. I belong to secluded places where I do not have to interact with anyone. And from there I have to jump into a sea of unfamiliar faces.

More than places I am afraid of people, how they act and treat others. I am very insecure inside. But the choice to go to Kolkata is my own. I want to be there, I want to face the life there. I am dead insecure, but I know it is a good step to my career. I also know that some time down the line I have to shed my shyness, come out of the shell from which I have been peeking shyly at the broad, wide world. And hence I do want to be in a big place, a place that can prepare me for the real world, a world which is not the safe haven of my home, the warmth of my family. It is a place full of strangers, people among which I have to make my mark. I see myself as someone successful, and well, small-towns are not exactly the place to learn the nuances of being successful.

A lot of insecurity, a fear of the unknown…and a will to make it big – that’s how I take the first steps to my new life, away from my home, family, town. Only Time can tell how big I can indeed be.

A Picture And The Mystery Called Life

Sometimes we see a picture and marvel at very bend and curve of it. From a distance it looks just so perfect, maybe like the dream that you were in. You like it so much that you want to move closer and see how it looks like from there. Then you can see it better, you can actually see the discrepancies within the curves. You can see where the colors shouldn’t have been that deep, or light, for that matter. This line could be more straight, that one should have been more bent. And suddenly, you realize the picture is not as perfect as it looked liked.

Human relationships probably work in the same way. You like someone, and then get to know him/her. And in some cases, if you and that person are honest enough, you will find out who he/she is.  And then, like the picture you will learn to see the discrepancies in them. You may feel cheated, or if you are understanding enough, you’ll understand. It’s just that some that some things are probably never meant to work out. And maybe, somehow, they are best as they are.

All the stories that have been written probably strive for an end, a situation where most of the readers would agree there was nothing more to say. Fortunately or unfortunately, real life mostly does not work that way. When close ones die, we always want an answer: why did he/she have to die? It hurts worse it the dead person is young, and was never meant to die that way. But still, they die and we have no answers to that. We terribly want to blame someone, and in most cases it would be God. But for those who do not believe in God, who would they blame? If they are honestly non-believers, they would have no one to blame. They would either accept the situation as it is, or probably be broken forever.

Having someone to blame is always the easiest option, even in relationships and real life. But what if you know and understand the situation so well that you can not blame anyone? Not even yourself? Do you blame things on situations? Probably you do, and try to move on. If you are lucky and strong, you will. If you are not, you will be broken. In this world every problem does not end with a solution, and every problem indeed has a lot of solutions. It’s just that we choose some and discard others, based on our experiences, based on what we think, and just then, there is no one to be blamed. It’s just that we are all so engrossed in our problems that we forget to look at it with an objective vision, because real life is not a simple problem. It manifests in too complex forms, and as humans, we do get lost in them.

Yet people live. They love, write, betray, eat, make merry and die. Probably it is best not to think at all. Probably it is good not to understand everything. The more you try the more entwined you get, hence life should at best be lived, and probably, not mused upon. And maybe, if you move away from the picture and look at it again, you will be able to appreciate it again, even though you know now it is not perfect.

Too Much of Green

Some days pass just like that, staring outside the window, looking at the rain washing the dirt from the leaves. Things are so green everywhere, so much green that you wish there were some other colors around. You wish the sky would not be this dull, cloudy grey. You wish you could see the sun at least once. Maybe you were from a place where it seldom rained. And when it did, you would enjoy the beauty of it, you would like getting wet in the fresh showers that calmed the hot, parched earth underneath.

And then, somehow things changed. The rain starts and does not cease. The hot soil initially smiles with subtle thanks. Slowly the grasses grow and cover the land, all the brown around. The rain drips on and on from the expressionless sky. The dried, sick leaves turn brand-new green again. Water clogs the roads and streets. People walk with umbrellas and try to avoid going out as much as possible. Those that can not are drenched sick, hardly enjoying any more of the rain. Mould and fungus cover the damp buildings and fallen tree-trunks. It’s all green, like some zombie alien movie.

Almost like life, when there is too much of everything. Everything is in so much excess that you want to throw up. You want to see something different from your window, and all you can see is the monotonous repetition of daily chores. An emptiness creeps within you. You start hating what you have liked always. You do not know what to do anymore. You want to do something, but you just have no idea. You want to concentrate on things, and you can not. You want to go back into the past, fall back into the memories, but are afraid of excavating something, not necessarily sad. Sometimes happiness can become too much and make you numb. You need to take some step to come out of your hibernation, but can not understand what you should do, what you will feel like doing.

Things can get complicated in so little a time, and you can’t even point out what is wrong.

First Love

Colors and shapes myriad

Dreams that form even when eyes are unclosed

Simple wishes that take complex forms

Shapes and colors, too myriad to comprehend

Everything starts with a simple straight line

A plane smooth and shiny

Emotions of colors, reflected

A rainbow of passion brimming within

Willing to erupt, yet restrained

Eyes stare endless, the depth in them immeasurable

A still smile lingers on the edges of parted lips

Thoughts meander about

A face vague yet dear

Trust and hope all seem to make sense

Life feels worth living again

The straight line will someday converge

To a complex helix of intense pleasure

Someday maybe the dreams would come true

Those that were seen with unclosed eyes

The naughty girl called Love

Love, I believe, was once a sweet child. She rested in the hearts of people and gave them solace. Who knows when she got naughty and since has started doing all the mischief!

Of late whoever I have been talking to is suffering from the same disease: love. Someone is in a relationship and does not know if s/he is actually in love. Someone was in a relationship, then broke up, and yet is extremely close to the person he loved and has no clue what is going on between them. Someone is hopelessly searching for an answer as to why his true love was not returned.  Was it even something you could even remotely call love? Or was it a mere game of two hearts, just there and then it vanished? Everyone went their separate ways and everything was forgotten. Except when you suddenly remember those brief moments of togetherness. You want to believe maybe they were true, but you have made a choice and have to live by it.

I understand man is what his decisions are. Every situation brings with a gamut of possibilities. It poses to you a few alternatives. You choose one, based on your circumstances. Sometimes you are confident and sure of your choice and sometimes you are not. Nonetheless you make a decision. You make a choice. Then you live by it. Sometimes while you are doing that you feel your choice was wrong. You might want to go back and make it right. But that path is closed. Hence comes pain and remorse. Sometimes you just accept that no matter you are hurting, you got to live by the choice you made. So, you make compromises with your own heart, make it go the way you want it to and live a content life. Content, but only in the outward appearance.

Underneath a thin mask of happiness you are broken, you are as fragile as a piece of glass. You have a smile painted on your face, you talk to people and make them happy. Underneath you are burning. In most cases, you will realize it. In certain cases, if you are lucky enough, you will not even know that you are not happy. You will forever remain in the illusion of a happiness that you decided for yourself, and never actually got.

Nevertheless, life goes on, seasons change and rivers drag their dirt to the oceans. Hence we shall live, on and on, whether or not we find the true meaning of Love. Until then, let Love be the naughty girl that she is and help it create heaps of pages and web-pages of pathetic love-stories, or maybe one or two hopeless blog entries as these.

Living the internet life

The Internet by Bernard Howe

The internet is, a fountain of information. its available to everyone, in every nation. Pages for children to read and enjoy along with the spam which can really annoy. Poetry and forums for everyone's pleasure just about anything, even selling your treasure. Its even used everyday in our schools it has lots of help and good learning tools. Ethics are used by those who do care and often free help with things we do share. Friendships has spread all over the earth I even made a friend who lives way down in Perth. I enjoy it so much, I think I'm addicted I think I was warned, as this was predicted.

One of the wonders of modern technology is the Internet. When I was younger I used to hear about all the wonderful things you could do through it, get all the information, watch videos and movies, download tons of things and well, make friends.

As strange as it may sound, I have been able to access this amazing tool to my heart’s content only since the last one year. Or maybe, even less. But no matter how small that time is, I am already hooked into it.

One of my first interactions with internet was a writing website. It remains one of my most favorite sites to this date. Through it I have come in touch with people around the world, read their anecdotes and made friends all around.

And it was only one of my American friends there who suggested I join facebook. I had heard a lot about it. Many of my friends were also on it. But I was in 12^th when I actually got to have my own gmail account. Hence I could not trust myself to join up a site that gobbles up the major portion of time for teens like me. My facebook account is pretty dumb, still as I do on go about adding everyone out there. I am very much choosy about it and add up people who are relevant to me. I want to be in touch with people who are important to me, not to just blindly increase the number of friends on facebook. That also helps to keep my wall uncluttered.

In my brief time on internet I have come across so many people, from so many different corners of the world. In fact, I think I have talked to more people outside India than within in through the internet. And in their own ways they have left an impact on my life. I have never been a very extrovert sort of person, even though I am not the most unfriendly of people. Just that I was shy. But over the net I am way too candid. I can all about all things that I would consider stupid to speak face-to-face. These people that I interact with on day-to-day basis now are as much real to me as the people who are physically around me. They share with me their problems as I share my own with them. When I am sad they are the ones who comfort me. And they are the ones who offer me suggestions on to overcome my problems.

As much as I hate to live in an age which is polluted in every sense of the word, I am indeed glad that I belong to a time when the whole world is literally in our drawing room. There are so many things we can access through the internet, and it is never going to end. In the mean time I will make friends, and maybe meet some people who would shape my life in the future.

Grey mist and an abandoned ship

Sometimes we just lose the meaning of life, forget why even we are on this Earth. Life seems so vacant then. Wherever we look there is a vast emptiness, covered in thick grey mist. Wherever you look there is this thick veil and you can not see past it, or beyond it. You wish if even for once some flash light would stream through that thickness, show you exactly where you are headed. But you are like in an old, abandoned ship in the middle of nowhere. You can feel the sea moving your vessel; you can feel the waves tossing you. But your vision is still vacant.

You lose hope; you do not feel like doing anything. You might want to try to do something, but you do not know where to begin. The things that you loved lost their meanings, things that made you smile no longer makes you happy. What do you do then, wait for the veil to uplift itself, or find a candle in that old, abandoned ship?

This happens to me often. Yes, too often. At some points I just can not understand what to do, how to find a way. I just want to sit still and think about something, meditate on something. But the more I want to focus the more clouded my mind gets.

Then out of nowhere something happens, and I can not even pinpoint what that is. But slowly, I can feel the grey veil uplifting itself. Things come out of hibernation, and I feel the ray of activeness in my being again. I feel energetic. I understand where to begin. I get the aim of my life, and then I sail off. Until the grey mist covers my vision again.

Just wondering how long will this cycle go on; when finally will I reach my concrete shore and know I will never have to meander through the haze again?

A road to no-where

You were walking along a path
and you wanted it to be green.
You wished it were peopled
with your friends and your dreams,
and brought along with it name and fame,
and success to bind them all.

Years pass…you travel down that lane.
Long before you have realized this road leads to nowhere
(not, at least, the place from your dreams).
You wish things were different;
You wish you never had chanced upon this road.
But truth is it was destined for you
And you were made to choose.

You will never be happy as you go down that path
You are so tired you dare not dream of fresh light.
All you want now is the road to lead you somewhere,
a place where you can get some rest and peace.
And forget all about this rat-race to succeed.