To Mars

I can see Mars from my window
Against a chalky grey sky
Bulging out, red eye of the Devil,
A pole of my solitude


Every day I walk beside all
And your hands brush against mine
Every day I murmur under my breath
The calm of your eyes
The undulation of your lips.


And beaming sunshine in gleaming vessels
A deceased telescope
 My Mars watches out for me
Every day he is farther
And every day I am alone.


Give me a hand to dream
A mumbled care to hold
Give me a silence for the gorging tears
And a kiss for my soul.

On Life and Memories...

Life mocks memory and 
Tears trickle down
Gloom of days gone by
Blues of stuffed desires
And
Desires of stuffed blues
By gone days of gloom
Down trickle tears
And memory mocks life

Pangs...

I have seen her lying on her back … her fair hand over her slightly-agape mouth to stop the choking sobs. I have seen her cheeks glistening, lines culminating at the corners of her mouth. She tasted their saltiness, too lost to wipe the streaks off. Her voice grew nasal. Every time she had to talk she cleared her throat, sneezed and lied that she had caught a cold.

Thus she deceived her room-mates in a place far away from home. Walls changed colors, rooms changed shape. Surprisingly, back home, her mother always found out. Perhaps the poor lady thought of it as a result of homesickness. Assuming it as the only cause, tear drops would inadvertently taint the mother’s cheeks as well. She could not have been farther from the truth.

I have seen her lying thus on her back … eyes staring blankly at the walls, thoughts racing in her mind, always keeping pace with the tears on her cheeks.

He didn’t care. I don’t know how long she would.

My first baby steps...

A girl like me and a place like Kolkata…I am wondering what the combination is going to be like. I have always been known as the shy little girl, someone who won’t talk to people, be afraid of the lime-light, people noticing her. Her place was just outside the limelight, where the light still reached, but not with that intensity.

I have hardly ever visited places. I love the confines of my home. No matter where I go, I cringe for the warmth of my bed, the smell of my books and the familiar coziness of my pillow. I am immensely attached to the faded-green walls unpainted for years that make my home, the TV set, my computer. Family, yeah well, I am close to my mom. And over the years, I have grown fond of my brother, the little maestro that he is. All these years that I have been home, I wasn’t aware of this connection that I share with him. Now when I have been going places for my college education, I notice I very much wish to hear his voice over the phone.

Back to who I am…I have always been this girl with a simple lifestyle…that is to say, no gizmos, no wild dressing-up phase, no hanging out with friends. I am terribly shy of boys, and even girls my age…but once I get used to them, I can be very frank and close. I always have an initial hiccup, the first-time-feeling to everything. I am not the one who comes and makes an impression on the very first meet. I need time. My influence grows over days…and by the end, I can be a very remarkable person. But the first time thing…that is like some rope around my neck.

Kolkata is very different place from my hometown. In the few years I have been here, I have not even been able to explore my own home-town except some familiar roads and neighborhoods. I am always in the confines of my own home. And for someone like me Kolkata is going to be a like some ocean – a sea of people and unfamiliar places. A culture that I do not belong to, a teenage life that I am not a part of. I belong to secluded places where I do not have to interact with anyone. And from there I have to jump into a sea of unfamiliar faces.

More than places I am afraid of people, how they act and treat others. I am very insecure inside. But the choice to go to Kolkata is my own. I want to be there, I want to face the life there. I am dead insecure, but I know it is a good step to my career. I also know that some time down the line I have to shed my shyness, come out of the shell from which I have been peeking shyly at the broad, wide world. And hence I do want to be in a big place, a place that can prepare me for the real world, a world which is not the safe haven of my home, the warmth of my family. It is a place full of strangers, people among which I have to make my mark. I see myself as someone successful, and well, small-towns are not exactly the place to learn the nuances of being successful.

A lot of insecurity, a fear of the unknown…and a will to make it big – that’s how I take the first steps to my new life, away from my home, family, town. Only Time can tell how big I can indeed be.

Too Much of Green

Some days pass just like that, staring outside the window, looking at the rain washing the dirt from the leaves. Things are so green everywhere, so much green that you wish there were some other colors around. You wish the sky would not be this dull, cloudy grey. You wish you could see the sun at least once. Maybe you were from a place where it seldom rained. And when it did, you would enjoy the beauty of it, you would like getting wet in the fresh showers that calmed the hot, parched earth underneath.

And then, somehow things changed. The rain starts and does not cease. The hot soil initially smiles with subtle thanks. Slowly the grasses grow and cover the land, all the brown around. The rain drips on and on from the expressionless sky. The dried, sick leaves turn brand-new green again. Water clogs the roads and streets. People walk with umbrellas and try to avoid going out as much as possible. Those that can not are drenched sick, hardly enjoying any more of the rain. Mould and fungus cover the damp buildings and fallen tree-trunks. It’s all green, like some zombie alien movie.

Almost like life, when there is too much of everything. Everything is in so much excess that you want to throw up. You want to see something different from your window, and all you can see is the monotonous repetition of daily chores. An emptiness creeps within you. You start hating what you have liked always. You do not know what to do anymore. You want to do something, but you just have no idea. You want to concentrate on things, and you can not. You want to go back into the past, fall back into the memories, but are afraid of excavating something, not necessarily sad. Sometimes happiness can become too much and make you numb. You need to take some step to come out of your hibernation, but can not understand what you should do, what you will feel like doing.

Things can get complicated in so little a time, and you can’t even point out what is wrong.