My first baby steps...

A girl like me and a place like Kolkata…I am wondering what the combination is going to be like. I have always been known as the shy little girl, someone who won’t talk to people, be afraid of the lime-light, people noticing her. Her place was just outside the limelight, where the light still reached, but not with that intensity.

I have hardly ever visited places. I love the confines of my home. No matter where I go, I cringe for the warmth of my bed, the smell of my books and the familiar coziness of my pillow. I am immensely attached to the faded-green walls unpainted for years that make my home, the TV set, my computer. Family, yeah well, I am close to my mom. And over the years, I have grown fond of my brother, the little maestro that he is. All these years that I have been home, I wasn’t aware of this connection that I share with him. Now when I have been going places for my college education, I notice I very much wish to hear his voice over the phone.

Back to who I am…I have always been this girl with a simple lifestyle…that is to say, no gizmos, no wild dressing-up phase, no hanging out with friends. I am terribly shy of boys, and even girls my age…but once I get used to them, I can be very frank and close. I always have an initial hiccup, the first-time-feeling to everything. I am not the one who comes and makes an impression on the very first meet. I need time. My influence grows over days…and by the end, I can be a very remarkable person. But the first time thing…that is like some rope around my neck.

Kolkata is very different place from my hometown. In the few years I have been here, I have not even been able to explore my own home-town except some familiar roads and neighborhoods. I am always in the confines of my own home. And for someone like me Kolkata is going to be a like some ocean – a sea of people and unfamiliar places. A culture that I do not belong to, a teenage life that I am not a part of. I belong to secluded places where I do not have to interact with anyone. And from there I have to jump into a sea of unfamiliar faces.

More than places I am afraid of people, how they act and treat others. I am very insecure inside. But the choice to go to Kolkata is my own. I want to be there, I want to face the life there. I am dead insecure, but I know it is a good step to my career. I also know that some time down the line I have to shed my shyness, come out of the shell from which I have been peeking shyly at the broad, wide world. And hence I do want to be in a big place, a place that can prepare me for the real world, a world which is not the safe haven of my home, the warmth of my family. It is a place full of strangers, people among which I have to make my mark. I see myself as someone successful, and well, small-towns are not exactly the place to learn the nuances of being successful.

A lot of insecurity, a fear of the unknown…and a will to make it big – that’s how I take the first steps to my new life, away from my home, family, town. Only Time can tell how big I can indeed be.

A Picture And The Mystery Called Life

Sometimes we see a picture and marvel at very bend and curve of it. From a distance it looks just so perfect, maybe like the dream that you were in. You like it so much that you want to move closer and see how it looks like from there. Then you can see it better, you can actually see the discrepancies within the curves. You can see where the colors shouldn’t have been that deep, or light, for that matter. This line could be more straight, that one should have been more bent. And suddenly, you realize the picture is not as perfect as it looked liked.

Human relationships probably work in the same way. You like someone, and then get to know him/her. And in some cases, if you and that person are honest enough, you will find out who he/she is.  And then, like the picture you will learn to see the discrepancies in them. You may feel cheated, or if you are understanding enough, you’ll understand. It’s just that some that some things are probably never meant to work out. And maybe, somehow, they are best as they are.

All the stories that have been written probably strive for an end, a situation where most of the readers would agree there was nothing more to say. Fortunately or unfortunately, real life mostly does not work that way. When close ones die, we always want an answer: why did he/she have to die? It hurts worse it the dead person is young, and was never meant to die that way. But still, they die and we have no answers to that. We terribly want to blame someone, and in most cases it would be God. But for those who do not believe in God, who would they blame? If they are honestly non-believers, they would have no one to blame. They would either accept the situation as it is, or probably be broken forever.

Having someone to blame is always the easiest option, even in relationships and real life. But what if you know and understand the situation so well that you can not blame anyone? Not even yourself? Do you blame things on situations? Probably you do, and try to move on. If you are lucky and strong, you will. If you are not, you will be broken. In this world every problem does not end with a solution, and every problem indeed has a lot of solutions. It’s just that we choose some and discard others, based on our experiences, based on what we think, and just then, there is no one to be blamed. It’s just that we are all so engrossed in our problems that we forget to look at it with an objective vision, because real life is not a simple problem. It manifests in too complex forms, and as humans, we do get lost in them.

Yet people live. They love, write, betray, eat, make merry and die. Probably it is best not to think at all. Probably it is good not to understand everything. The more you try the more entwined you get, hence life should at best be lived, and probably, not mused upon. And maybe, if you move away from the picture and look at it again, you will be able to appreciate it again, even though you know now it is not perfect.

Too Much of Green

Some days pass just like that, staring outside the window, looking at the rain washing the dirt from the leaves. Things are so green everywhere, so much green that you wish there were some other colors around. You wish the sky would not be this dull, cloudy grey. You wish you could see the sun at least once. Maybe you were from a place where it seldom rained. And when it did, you would enjoy the beauty of it, you would like getting wet in the fresh showers that calmed the hot, parched earth underneath.

And then, somehow things changed. The rain starts and does not cease. The hot soil initially smiles with subtle thanks. Slowly the grasses grow and cover the land, all the brown around. The rain drips on and on from the expressionless sky. The dried, sick leaves turn brand-new green again. Water clogs the roads and streets. People walk with umbrellas and try to avoid going out as much as possible. Those that can not are drenched sick, hardly enjoying any more of the rain. Mould and fungus cover the damp buildings and fallen tree-trunks. It’s all green, like some zombie alien movie.

Almost like life, when there is too much of everything. Everything is in so much excess that you want to throw up. You want to see something different from your window, and all you can see is the monotonous repetition of daily chores. An emptiness creeps within you. You start hating what you have liked always. You do not know what to do anymore. You want to do something, but you just have no idea. You want to concentrate on things, and you can not. You want to go back into the past, fall back into the memories, but are afraid of excavating something, not necessarily sad. Sometimes happiness can become too much and make you numb. You need to take some step to come out of your hibernation, but can not understand what you should do, what you will feel like doing.

Things can get complicated in so little a time, and you can’t even point out what is wrong.

First Love

Colors and shapes myriad

Dreams that form even when eyes are unclosed

Simple wishes that take complex forms

Shapes and colors, too myriad to comprehend

Everything starts with a simple straight line

A plane smooth and shiny

Emotions of colors, reflected

A rainbow of passion brimming within

Willing to erupt, yet restrained

Eyes stare endless, the depth in them immeasurable

A still smile lingers on the edges of parted lips

Thoughts meander about

A face vague yet dear

Trust and hope all seem to make sense

Life feels worth living again

The straight line will someday converge

To a complex helix of intense pleasure

Someday maybe the dreams would come true

Those that were seen with unclosed eyes