My first baby steps...

A girl like me and a place like Kolkata…I am wondering what the combination is going to be like. I have always been known as the shy little girl, someone who won’t talk to people, be afraid of the lime-light, people noticing her. Her place was just outside the limelight, where the light still reached, but not with that intensity.

I have hardly ever visited places. I love the confines of my home. No matter where I go, I cringe for the warmth of my bed, the smell of my books and the familiar coziness of my pillow. I am immensely attached to the faded-green walls unpainted for years that make my home, the TV set, my computer. Family, yeah well, I am close to my mom. And over the years, I have grown fond of my brother, the little maestro that he is. All these years that I have been home, I wasn’t aware of this connection that I share with him. Now when I have been going places for my college education, I notice I very much wish to hear his voice over the phone.

Back to who I am…I have always been this girl with a simple lifestyle…that is to say, no gizmos, no wild dressing-up phase, no hanging out with friends. I am terribly shy of boys, and even girls my age…but once I get used to them, I can be very frank and close. I always have an initial hiccup, the first-time-feeling to everything. I am not the one who comes and makes an impression on the very first meet. I need time. My influence grows over days…and by the end, I can be a very remarkable person. But the first time thing…that is like some rope around my neck.

Kolkata is very different place from my hometown. In the few years I have been here, I have not even been able to explore my own home-town except some familiar roads and neighborhoods. I am always in the confines of my own home. And for someone like me Kolkata is going to be a like some ocean – a sea of people and unfamiliar places. A culture that I do not belong to, a teenage life that I am not a part of. I belong to secluded places where I do not have to interact with anyone. And from there I have to jump into a sea of unfamiliar faces.

More than places I am afraid of people, how they act and treat others. I am very insecure inside. But the choice to go to Kolkata is my own. I want to be there, I want to face the life there. I am dead insecure, but I know it is a good step to my career. I also know that some time down the line I have to shed my shyness, come out of the shell from which I have been peeking shyly at the broad, wide world. And hence I do want to be in a big place, a place that can prepare me for the real world, a world which is not the safe haven of my home, the warmth of my family. It is a place full of strangers, people among which I have to make my mark. I see myself as someone successful, and well, small-towns are not exactly the place to learn the nuances of being successful.

A lot of insecurity, a fear of the unknown…and a will to make it big – that’s how I take the first steps to my new life, away from my home, family, town. Only Time can tell how big I can indeed be.